What I learned from my recent miscarriage

I debated rather to write about this publicly. Many of our close friends, coworkers, clients and family already know but it's always vulnerable to put it "in cyber space"...but I felt God prompting me to. 

Here's a bit about my history...my first child (from a previous marriage) was born at 26 weeks and lived for only 2 months. Most likely I had an incompetent cervix. I had to painstakingly make the decision to turn off the machines when his tiny 2lb body just couldn't thrive any longer. I held Jake in my arms as he took his last breath. I'll never ever forget it. I can pull up that night in my head in an instant and remember whispering "go with God, He'll take care of you now" as I rocked him. 

After Jake died, I got pregnant again (again, in my previous marriage) and as I was going through the pre-op for the cerclage (that's where they stitch your cervix so you can sustain a pregnancy), the doctor did an ultrasound. At 16 weeks I learned I had had a miscarriage. Devastating. 

Fast forward many, many years and two little boys later, it's January of this year and we learned, shockingly, that I was pregnant. I say shockingly because I already suffer from PCOS (poly cystic ovary syndrome) which means, among other lovely side affects, I don't ovulate regularly. In November the doctor tested me and said I wasn't likely ovulating since my cycles were 35 days apart (anything over 32 usually means you're not). True enough my hormone levels were too low to say I was ovulating. Daniel also has diagnosed fertility issues with his swimmers. Let's just say not all of them are mature enough to swim in the deep end. 

We had already tried for a year...or as Daniel liked to put it "we weren't preventing". He wasn't 100% on board with the third child idea but willing to let God work if that was what He wanted for our family. So with the test and the time "not preventing" we just assumed it wasn't in God's will for our lives. Despite feeling for a few years that our family wasn't complete, I accepted it wholeheartedly. I was already blessed with two fantastic little boys. So we sold or donated all of our baby gear. Neither of us felt that going to the fertility specialist again was necessary either. So we got rid of everything and I mentally shifted gears to being a four person family. 

Back to recent events...This pregnancy was normal as far as I could tell. We saw the heartbeat at 8 weeks and I had all the normal symptoms. Essentially I hibernated for 7 weeks because I was too nauseous and tired to do anything else. The nausea tapered off around 10.5 weeks but the rest of the symptoms remained. 

Imagine our surprise when we go to the 12 week appointment (which was later than normal due to spring break) and we hear "this isn't a normal pregnancy" as they are doing another ultrasound. In fact, it wasn't a pregnancy at all. The heartbeat was gone and nothing was even barely visible. 

I was devastated.

Deep down I had a constant nagging feeling that I needed to see the heartbeat again at 12 weeks to really feel excited. Maybe that was mother's intuition kicking in. 

We left the doctor's office and as soon as we were in the car we both wept. How could this happen? God gave us a pregnancy we thought was impossible. God changed Daniel's heart to be ecstatic and joyful when we learned I was pregnant. The boys were thrilled about being a big brother and having a baby  in mommy's tummy. Our house was settled and could accommodate a third child. I bought a minivan last fall for pete sake! 

I admit, I was bitter. I was angry. I was confused. In a matter of three months I went from being completely at  peace being a family of four to the shock of being pregnant (along with all the symptoms) and then excited my dream was coming true to feeling empty. 

On Friday I was numb. On Saturday I had a complete meltdown. I essentially was a grown-up toddler mad, frustrated and angry that this happened. I asked myself: What was the point? I was perfectly content with our two beautiful boys if that was God's will. Why would I get pregnant and get my hopes up only to take them away? 

I knew Sunday would be hard. I knew going to church on Sunday would be hard. Ironically it was three days after learning we lost the pregnancy. I was supposed to be joyful celebrating that Jesus has risen. My family was in town and we had an Easter lunch at our house along with the kid's joy in getting their Easter baskets. I was dreading it. I walked in to the sanctuary and instantly teared up. I walked to get tissues and ran in to friends who were kind and understanding. I cried more. I wasn't OK. 

During the service I tried to stay numb. But then we stood up to sing "In Christ Alone" one of my favorite hymns. I remember muttering "oh great, of course it's this song", still feeling angry. And then I started to sing. It was then that I had a choice. I could stay bitter and angry at God or I could trust His character and rest in Him. 

So I raised my hand in praise and sang, as best I could through tears, "In Christ alone, my cornerstone...here in the blood of Christ I stand". It was there that I let go of the bitterness and anger. I chose to praise Him in this storm. 

"In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul."   ~Psalm 138:3

I may never understand why we had a miscarriage this time. But I can always trust in Jesus, His character and His love for me. And that's enough. 

Pax came for a visit

If you've followed the news, it's all over. The south was hit with not one but TWO snow storms in January (and counting?). Of course this week it's in the 70's.  It was only a few inches each time but let's face it. We don't know what to do in snow. Rain? We're good. Heat that will melt the make-up off your face in 1.2 seconds? Check. Humidity that will wilt even the most cemented of hair-do's? Got that covered too. 

Snow and ice...not so much. You can't blame us. We never (and I mean NEVER) see it around here. I've been in Columbia, SC for 8.5 years and have seen it 3x (including the two rounds this year). So pardon us if we get a little giddy (and panicked) when we hear it really is coming. 

The first snow hit a couple of weeks ago and it was true snow. They kept saying it would start mid-day...then late afternoon...well then it got dark. My boys (specifically Charlie) were so sad. But just before he went to bed...around 9pm that night because he apparently got in tp some form of crack I wasn't aware of and wouldn't settle down...it started to snow. Well so much for bedtime. Thankfully I didn't have anything scheduled the next day so I let them stay up and watch it fall for a little while. We woke up to this...

It was such a pretty soft white snow. The fun part was that Daniel didn't have to go in to work that day so we got to have a family day in the snow! The boys have never seen it before so this was super fun for them. 

Even the old man felt a little spry in the cold weather...

but that lasted a whopping 2 minutes and he was ready to rest again. 

Cole especially liked walking around in it and seeing his footprints.  So he wandered mostly...

Then there was the ice storm that hit last week. This time we knew to be prepared. Not because we just had it two weeks earlier but because Jim Cantore from the Weather Channel was in town. You know when he's in your city it's serious bid-ness. Sure enough, the sleet and freezing rain started early Tuesday. So much so that as soon as I was done with my workout, I had to go ahead and get the boys since schools were dismissing early. 

Our precipitation mainly hit overnight and all day on Wednesday in the form of sleet. The boys were very disappointed that we couldn't make snowballs this time around. Cole decided early Wednesday morning to go ahead and put on his too-small-for-me-toboggan and wear it around. You know, just in case we went out. 

Once it finally slowed down and I stopped work for an hour or so, we went out for a little family outing. The boys decided that the toy carrot from their kitchen set and the dust pan were fun items to bring out in the sleet. Random. 

 (did you notice how Stella the pug photo bombs almost all of our snow shots?)

Even the Cuban ventured out! She stayed with us during this storm for peace of mind. 

The outing lasted 20 minutes and then we went back inside. I to my work and everyone else became more and more stir crazy. What do you do when you're trapped inside with two toddlers for 3 days? Why arts and crafts! Literally it was the only novel thing I could find after play-doh, coloring and movies failed to entertain them. So we made fun Valentine's Day crafts. I literally was digging out all my stickers, cutting circles and ribbon and anything else I could make to glue on to paper. Milk and bread I bought. Arts and crafts I did not. Lesson learned. 

And when that was all done, we sat down for what else? Hot Chocolate. Putting the marshmallows in was a huge hit. Bet you can't tell that they enjoyed it...

It melted almost as fast as it came...most of it being cleared by Friday afternoon. Daniel got two whole days at home and the boys loved being able to stay at home an extra four days. It's so fun to create memories with your children. I cherish every moment that God gives me with these two cuties.  

Potty Training Boot Camp and other tips

I have a potty mouth head. That's what happens when you do potty training boot camp for four days. You are consumed. You think about it when you eat, sleep and well...potty. 

It all started when I realized that my slow work days were going to come to an end soon and I had accomplished very little in the way of big milestones. I had this overwhelming fear that I would get so busy with work that when I really need to potty train Charlie, I'd be too busy and kicking myself for not doing it during my slow time. After all, I knew he was ready...well I hoped he was. 

You see I waited and waited and waited to get started. Why? Mostly my own fear. I wasn't ready to mentally tackle what I had worked up in my mind as a huge deal. Sort've like getting rid of their bubbies (pacifiers) that we finally tackled at Christmas. We thought it was going to be horrible. And it was...for 36 hours. Then it was smooth sailing and we both thought "what took us so long?"

I also knew he wasn't quite ready yet prior to this point. He would scream at the mention of even sitting on the potty. This was a recent conversation prior to boot camp: 

Me: anyone want to sit on the potty? 
Cole: I want to sit on the potty! I want an M&M! 

Me: Charlie! Cole went on the potty and is getting M&Ms!
Charlie: Aww nuts! 
Me: You want to try and sit on the potty? 
Charlie (screaming and a wee bit mad): NO! I DON'T CARE! 

Yep, that was our life. At the mere thought of suggesting he sit on the potty, he'd scream and cry. I forced him to sit on the potty one day and he cried crocodile tears saying "mommy get me outta here!" No amount of bribing would work - I tried candy, promises of toys, ice cream...which did get a "which ice cream store?" question from him mid-scream but he didn't like the answer. If I had answered "the one at Nana and Pop-E's house 5 hours away" he might have gone for it but I wasn't that desperate yet. 

At any rate, I decided 3 days before I initiated boot camp that it was time. There was no magical sign, just a fear I wouldn't be as focused later. Off to the Dollar Store I went. I have read posts about M&Ms and other treats but I also knew Charlie was motivated by little toys more than candy. It fluctuates but he leans towards toys. So toys it was. 

Armed with my basket of dollar toys...

some M&Ms just in case...

and our potty seat (which makes it easier for him to fit on a regular potty...and it has a guard for added spray protection)...

and it was time. 

After talking about it all week, we woke up on a Thursday morning and put on underwear...then we cried. If you haven't already gathered, Charlie is not a fan of change. Once we got over that, I put him on the potty. Nothing but crying. 

Seven or eight accidents later and some whining that he wanted a toy...still nothing. Then I unashamedly called in reinforcements. Anna M came over with one of her sons to "show us how it's done". I have to say that really helped. Having someone to encourage gave us a little boost (and yes it had only been a few hours but we needed the boost already). I had two other friends call to check on us throughout the day. Really I think they were checking on my mental condition. 

I also had to take Cole to the sitter's house so he was no longer a distraction, at least on day one. Having your little brother try to "best you" the entire time is not entirely helpful in these situations. 

Then it happened. It's like a switch went off in his little brain. One little trickle and he realized he could do it. Another trickle turned stream and it was game on. 

I spent the rest of the day asking him to "try" every 15-20 minutes. I set a timer on the microwave so I wouldn't forget. Every time he tried, he got to pick a prize. Suddenly he realized this was pretty fun and I was one proud mama. 

The next day we had one small accident in the morning then he remembered we were potty training and we never had another accident again. Cole even got to stay home on Friday thanks to Charlie being so confident and telling his little brother "OK Cole, you can stay home while I practice potty training." 

I put a pull-up on him at night, just in case, but even that has gotten drier and drier as we master this new skill. The cute thing is how much his little self confidence has been boosted. As he puts it "I'm not a baby anymore! I'm a big boy now!" 

And he's awfully snuggly since he knows how proud I am of this big accomplishment, which this mama will take any day of the week. 

So if you're planning on potty training, here's what I learned: 

1. Choose a reward that you know will motivate your child. Each child is different so tailor it to your child. 
2. Mentally prepare to have accidents, frustrations, failures and to be exhausted at the end of day one. Wine helps.  
3. Don't fuss - encourage and stay positive - no matter how fast you think they should pick it up. 
4. Be sure your child is ready. Cole isn't ready because even though he's willing to try, he doesn't know how to "release on command" yet. I'd rather set him up to succeed later than push him to try now with Charlie. 
5. Each child is ready at different ages. Don't compare yours to another. Charlie is 3 yrs and 3 months old. Others are ready sooner. 
6. Use the big potty with a seat. That way when you want to go out to dinner or run errands, they aren't freaked out by trying to use a taller potty in a store. 
7. For boys I recommend having them sit to do everything at first. Once they master this, they can learn to stand. 
8. Be consistent. I set a timer so that he had to try every 15 minutes and there was less chance for accidents (a perceived failure). 
9. Don't expect it to work overnight yet. Tackle the day time first then tackle night time later. For now we still use a pull-up which we call "special night time underwear" so he doesn't feel like we're going backwards. 

And most importantly...Encourage the heck out of them. I can't stress this enough. Charlie was so proud because we made such a big deal out of it.  The first time he did it without me prompting him, we called grandparents, a friend, daddy at work. You name it. I'm pretty sure he was telling perfect strangers off the street that he pee-peed in the potty now and was a big boy. No seriously. He told a few strangers. And yes, I continued to beam with pride and dared them not to say something positive. 

In the past two months we've tackled some big milestones in toddler-ville. Giving up bubbies and now potty training...boy how they grow up fast. It seems like just yesterday they were two little babies. 

But not to worry, Cole helps us remember they aren't grown up yet...somehow he managed to get ooze (a potty training prize) in his hair. I almost didn't see it since it matched his blond hair. It had to be cut out...like a mo-hawk. 

Ahh! Mischievous boys. I wouldn't have it any other way! 

Fall + Family = Memories

We've moved in to the fall season and with that comes a host of fun events and activities that one can do with their children. For us, we've kept it sort've low key because we were so busy with the move and renovation (not to mention the rest of our life). Since things are settling down, we were ready to join in the fun.

First up, Boo at the Zoo. This was a last minute decision on a Monday thanks to Daniel. Our local zoo has various events each year and at Halloween they have "Boo at the Zoo" He heard the kids would have fun and coordinated it as a surprise. We didn't know what to expect but it turned out it was just enough and the kids had a blast.

In the back of my mind I knew the kids dressed up but this mommy wasn't organized and prepared to have their costumes together a whopping 10 days before Halloween.

The Powell's and their little one joined us too.

This actually was a great practice round for real trick-or-treating. Charlie has just realized what it's about and he got to practice running up to the various booths "trick-or-treating". Last year we skipped and just went to a fall festival so this was their first trick-or-treating experience.

Cole was mostly interested in the animals and was a bit disappointed most of them were "sleeping" since it was getting dark. He is surely my child. All about animals.

We might have had a hard time getting them to leave the "suds zone". They didn't understand it at first but then they were all in.

Charlie asked if we could go trick-or-treating every day for a few days after this adventure.

The following week was Halloween. The day before Halloween, Charlie says "please can I use this?" and he had the pumpkin carving pack I picked up last year but never used. I caved and said yes since he was so darn cute.

Off to the store I run that afternoon to grab our carving pumpkins. I bought pumpkins for decoration but didn't want them to rot. Besides, we needed small ones. In hindsight, carving pumpkins this night (or at all) was probably not my best idea. I had a work call so I was on a time crunch, which further stressed the activity.

At first they liked the idea of it...but refused to put their hands in to clean them up. So spoons were brought out. So far so good...

Cole was a little more interested in drinking his "bunny juice" (carrot and orange juice Mimi brought) than cleaning out the pumpkin...go figure.

Finally Daniel and I had to take over. That's when it started to go down hill...

As soon as we broke out the sharp knives I started thinking "this is not a smart toddler activity." Instead of having fun helping us carve (and by helping I mean telling us what shapes to cut out) they both whined and fought over the sharp knives they were not allowed to have. I dare not count the times I found them with one in their hands despite our diligence. Sneaky little buggers. Cole finally walked away until we were done (although he probably was the most engaged of the two boys) and Charlie found himself in time out.

There might even have been some yelling, doors slammed and an overall "I'm done" from this mommy. Hey, at least I'm honest. I'm pretty sure after this picture was taken he screamed "stop doing dat! No take my picture!"

Ahhhhh - the fun family memories that were created that night!

Cole did let me take a picture of him with his pumpkin (and Charlie's is behind him). I think he was enjoying the fact that he wasn't the one getting in trouble.

 

Now on to trick-or-treating. The boys got a double whammy on Halloween because their new Rainbow play set was also installed that day (thanks Nana and Pop-E!). When I finally wrangled them in from outside to get dressed, Charlie tried to get out of his very simple costume. He HATES anything that is different. He quickly changed his mind when he realized he couldn't go get candy without a costume.

So the little rug-rats were Knights for Halloween. Why?

A) it was something they knew and not scary
B) it didn't require a weird feeling costume or hat or anything else that I knew Charlie wouldn't wear

A simple black shirt, black sweat pants and their vest was all they needed.

Oh and we bought "Mike the Knight" shields and swords to top it off. Here they are holding showing you their shields and swords...

At one point they said they were going to find dragons.

Baby Lillian was a dragon dinosaur. Fitting, don't you think?

We headed up to the neighbors house where many families gather to go on a hayride and trick-or-treat. They actually ride to each of the houses.The boys loved the hay ride and thought it was extra cool, although the volume of excited kids overwhelmed them a smidge at first.

Side note: I have just realized I wore orange to both of the events without even planning it. Even in my subconscious I must coordinate!

There were so many kids we ended up breaking off on our own after a short bit. The boys had so much fun and scored yummy candy (and a glow stick). We were home by 7:30pm (after walking what felt like miles back to the house) and they settled in to watch a cartoon and eat a little candy.

Party for 2...and 3

Amongst all the chaos of moving and settling in - and it was chaos - I also planned the boy's birthday party.

Yes. I'm crazy. I admit I put too much on my plate at one time. But who doesn't want to do something fun for these two cuties?

We actually set the date back in July when we knew the football schedule. I wanted to have my parents come and knew I needed to work it around any NC State home games. So with the date set (in between their actual birthdays) off went the planning. At the last minute. What? I was busy people!

How does one plan a joint birthday party for a 2 and 3 year old when said mother is stressed and busy and on the verge of a nervous breakdown? She texts a BFF. Specifically my friend Jaime Weathersby. It went something like this:

"Boys want robot birthday party. Need party favors. Go."

Thankfully I hit her at an I'm-unmotivated-to-work-at-my-real-job moment so she promptly pinned me several ideas. Those said pins also led me to other ideas. I had already ordered their invitations before we moved so I had plenty of time to address them. In hindsight I've already realized I forgot a few people on that invitation list (which was lost in the move). If you are one of them I'M SO SORRY!

Anyway, back to party favors. Did you know that NO ONE. I mean no one, makes or has anything truly robot? I checked. I scoured. I dug, people. Nothing. So on went the creative thinking cap. I made this from an idea on Pinterest:

It's a cute little candy robot with chalk as his body. Someone also said you could use a slinky or anything that really has the right size. I just used hot glue to put it all together and bought some googly eyes at Hobby Lobby. I thin it took less than 1 hr to make 9 in assembly style fashion.

This little guy went in a small metal tin I bought on clearance at Target last year for just such occasions. After all, who knows when you might need 9 cute kid tins at random. In addition to the robot, there were robot crayons from Etsy.com (and for a good cause), robot suckers (also from Etsy) and robot tattoos (AKA ironman - they never knew the difference - from Party City). For the little kids, they got regular suckers and bubbles instead of tattoos.

You have no idea how much online shopping saves me. All. the. time.

The venue was very easy - a local park where the kids would be self entertained. I also made a point to make it in the morning (10-11:30a) when I knew it would be cooler and let's face it, we parents still had some energy.

It also meant that decorating was a snap. A simple table cloth, two balloons and a few bouncy balls to kick around...and we're done people. That's a wrap.

What's funny is that in this shot there are no kids. None. Not just for our party but for the park. 10 minutes later there were 2 other birthday parties and what seemed like thousands hundreds of kids. Pays to be early.

I kept the food simple:

1. Nuts and bolts (chex mix)
2. Memory cells (chik fil a nuggets)
3. Battery cells (grapes and apples)
4. Motor oil (juice boxes)

I wish I had made more time to create cuter labels for the food but alas, I'm not Father Time. And apparently my request for more hours in a day has been denied.

The boys had a great time and were so excited to see "their birthday party" ...and the cake. Oh the cake. Oh how that birthday cake almost sent me over the edge. Once again, nobody makes robot  themed cakes. Finally I found (after much searching at various stores) three small "robots." Thank heaven for Star Wars. I had Publix make a cake with a transformer background and then I stuck on the robots (C3P0 and R2D2). Kids loved it!

As you can see, we had a little issue keeping the boys out of the cake prior to blowing out the candles. Obviously judging by Cole's mouth and fingers we were less than successful in our quest to keep him out.

Oh and once again I used a transformer theme for robots in the napkins and plates. They looked like big robots and Charlie loved them.

And fun was had by one and all!

The timing couldn't have been more perfect. And after all the play we went home and opened some presents...

And then of course we had to unwind with a little snuggle time from Nana and Pop-E...

A fun robot birthday party weekend with the family!