A walk through the wilderness...

I haven't mentioned this to many people because I don't like to complain or whine. Instead, I just push through or try to recalibrate on my own. Probably the only person that really sees it would be the Hubby because well, he lives with me 24/7 and quite frankly can't escape! After Charlie was born, I have had a hard time discerning God's will for me in almost all aspects of my life. Well, except one - that He wants us to have baby #2 and that's only because He made that happen out of the blue when it medically shouldn't have been possible. Otherwise, it has been hard to discern anything. I've grown accustomed to always asking for guidance and direction in any decisions, including the small ones, and God always answering pretty clearly. I seemingly feel like I float through life now, struggling from one day to the next, not really hearing from Him. Now don't get me wrong, some days and weeks are better than others but overall I have struggled with knowing how to fit in working, being a mommy, being a wife, fitting in volunteer time, etc. The hats have been starting to pile up and nothing has been fitting very well...literally and metaphorically. 

So what did I do? I push through assuming it will get better. Some days I am joyous, other days I am just frustrated and crabby. I'm sure part of that has been hormones since my poor body is all out of whack. Whose wouldn't be being pregnant for 15 months solid now!? But instead of praying and waiting for God to show me what He has in store for me, I took things in to my own hands. I have been too impatient to wait because life seemed to be happening so fast I couldn't just sit idely by. 

Big mistake. Huge.  (10 pts for anyone who knows what movie this comes from. It's one of my faves. Hint: this line is followed by "I have to go shopping now!")


So I take matters in to my own hands convinced it is going to be OK. Turns out I don't make the best decisions apart from Him. When it finally hits me that I've made some bad decisions, it is too late to turn back. I'm not going in to specifics simply because I don't want to jeopardize anything at this point. So what do I do now? I push through. Don't I ever learn?

Does it yield me joy? nope. Does it reduce my stress level? nope. Instead, it just makes matters worse. 

Now my poor Hubby tries his best to coach me but lets face it, sometimes your spouse just can't be the one to do that at certain times. So for the past few months, six to be exact, I have been up and down, some days joyous and hopeful, others just frustrated and "Debbie-downer" with a glass-half-full attitude. Totally not me. Again, hormones do play a part but I can't blame it just on hormones. And it's not post-partum depression either. I know the difference and this isn't it. 

Last night I had the opportunity to attend the women's ministry dinner at church. Honestly, based on the day I was having, I probably wouldn't have gone except that I had committed to decorating 2 tables for the dinner. Boy, does God give you encouragement when you need it most. 

I arrive to find two great friends ready to help decorate with me and several others willing to pitch in when we were running out of time. Then we start the evening with a pot-luck dinner and laughter. Very casual. I'm still giggling over a story of underarm hair and shaving (name withheld to protect the innocent and hairy). Then the music begins and every song that was sung, every prayer prayed and every scripture read spoke to me. There was a testimony very similar to my story, how she tried to take control then fell apart and how she is finally coming out of the wilderness by trusting God's love. I honestly felt like the entire evening was orchestrated just for me, even down to the great pep talk I got from the Hubby just before I left (yes, they do work from time-to-time). 

I know it's not an easy road back out. I still need to find the path out of the woods and learn to forgive myself for making some bad decisions, which is probably the hardest part. Afterall, I'm my own worst critic. But I do feel a bit more hopeful today knowing that even though I messed things up, God can still make them better because He loves me. Last night was just a little gift from Him to show me that love. It was just what I needed to not feel like He would punish me for my mistakes.  

So thanks to all the women last night who sang, encouraged, listened and laughed with me. You don't realize how much it did my heart good! 

I hope you can lift someone up now, tomorrow or in the near future. You may not realize how much they needed a cheerleader.

His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of a man;
the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love. - Psalm 147: 10-11